He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
