guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
