If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
