i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
