it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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