I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
