Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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