wanna go halves on a baby?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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