Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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