The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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