Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
