Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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