I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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