u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
