Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
