I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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