Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Even the bartender felt bad for me
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
