My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Randomize
