was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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