I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in