You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
