Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
