So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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