Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
