dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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