I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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