So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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