you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
