I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
