I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
