is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
where are you?
Hypothermia
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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