I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
