Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
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I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
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At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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