just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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