ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
