i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
