THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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