So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
