Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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