your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
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