so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
