Please, let me fuck your mom
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
