Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
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Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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