It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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