I accidentally burped into my bong.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
