He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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