This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
