Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
