I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
