dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
