i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos