please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?