Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?