Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
