So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
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