I must be too annoying 4 u.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
