so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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