awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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