yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
