He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Randomize
