I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
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Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
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Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
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