WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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